I think this video, Nuggets, by Filmbilder & Friends is a masterpiece in describing the process of addiction.
Porn addiction is a real and challenging modern day issue, impacting lives and relationships of a growing number of mostly men abut also a growing number of women in the UK.
It’s a taboo subject in that we often don’t talk about porn use, meaning we don’t get to air the issues and defuse some of the myths surrounding it. And it can often be accompanied by deep feelings of shame and worthlessness, particularly when behaviour escalates out of control and if (or when) porn use escalates to more extreme content in the brain’s effort to chase and sustain dopamine highs.
Am I addicted to porn?
What do you think? Do you feel that you are using porn excessively? And does it have negative consequences for you? The key here is you decide what you feel is unhealthy behaviour. And how do we define addiction anyway?
A simple definition of addiction
My preferred definition of porn, or indeed any addiction, is that it’s repeated behaviour despite negative consequences. Primarily, the overarching symptom is that you have a feeling of a loss of control over your use of porn content. You feel unable to stop.
Is it affecting your relationships?
Compulsive porn use might be negatively affecting relationships you’re already in, decreasing your interest for sex in real life with another person. You might experience reduced interest for sex in real life with a partner, meaning you get less social and intimate connection which I believe can have mental health impacts.
Are you compulsively using porn to cope with strong negative feelings?
Whilst porn use might have started as a convenient and enjoyable escape, it can escalate as a primary coping mechanism for strong negative feelings of any kind. It might be used, for example, as a way of handling anxiety, or feelings of worthlessness or shame.
Do you feel shame or guilt around your porn use?
Shame. A key characteristic of porn addiction is feelings of shame or worthlessness. There seems to be a trend in that porn use can escalate into using more extreme content and even hardcore content that might also disgust you on some level i.e. acts of degradation and humiliation whether you are active or receptive in those scenarios. The compulsive acting out might well be fueled by feelings of worthlessness elsewhere in your life. This is not to say that kinks and fetishes are inherently negative. What matters is the degree of control you have over them.
Self-blame or guilt can also characterise porn addiction in which we can berate ourselves that we “should” have control of this behaviour, “should be” more interested in our partners or dating. And we can very easily feel that porn use can mean we are defective as human beings.
Such experiences of shame and guilt can lead to behaviours that isolate you from positive social contact with others. As a qualified massage therapist as well as a counsellor, I sincerely believe that human beings have an inherent need for touch and intimacy and we suffer when we don’t get enough of it.
Is your porn use escalating to more extreme content?
One of the things which makes sexual acts pleasurable is the dopamine reward we get from it, typically 200% above our baseline and far in excess of the pleasure we get from food (50% increase). In a natural environment, sex is supposed to be the biggest hit we can get. But our brains were never designed for broadband enabled high speed porn, with endless novelty, sexual partners, positions and acts. And there is a tendency in this for our brains to chase greater highs. So it’s not uncommon in porn addiction that you might find yourself graduating to more extreme content to chase a new and more potent high. It’s possible to graduate to pornography that might disgust you, shock you, or be outside of the sexual template of what you know you like.
Is recovery possible? (short answer: yes)
In short, yes. In Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance In An Age of Indulgence, Dr Anna Lembke talks about patients who have recovered from all sorts of process addictions.
Support and accountability can be found through therapists, apps, Reddit discussions and support groups. A growing number of apps are available that can be helpful in managing behaviour.
If porn addiction was the self medication, what was the original problem?
But I think it’s important to acknowledge something here. Porn addiction doesn’t just happen because porn exists. It can also happen because we’ve experienced underlying wounds and emotional issues that have been neglected or buried. So it’s not just a matter of stopping using porn. There’s really a larger journey here of healing whatever has caused you to seek escape in this way. Fundamentally, porn use may have been a way of self-medicating other hurts, traumas that may not have been explored or acknowledged.
You can’t separate porn use from changing social relationships driven by technology
Rapid social changes have taken place in the past two decades because of the Internet. Dating is now largely driven by apps where we have to present ourselves much like products in a shopping app and sell ourselves to other people. We have access to many more “matches” because distance is no longer an issue in advertising ourselves. But with that comes problems. We’re led to believe there’s endless choice and possibility. We’re overwhelmed with choice and given the feeling that there’s always something better round the corner. The most eligible, beautiful people get the most attention on apps. And those more in the middle of the pack in terms of looks, talents etc. often get ignored. In using these apps we are being trained to look at each other and evaluate each other like products in a shopping app. Naturally we want to choose the best. But what if we don’t get chosen? This trend means we can increasingly be looking at each other like objects. Rather than valuing other people as complex humans with their own lives and concerns, we can start looking at each other simply as objects to fulfil an emerging need. This is a complex subject which I’ll be writing on more later.
Conclusion
You’ve inherited a brain biology which expected a world in which “sexual partners” were scarce. And what you’ve got is a high speed internet populated with limitless porn which sends your brain into hyper-drive.
You might be feeling a great deal of shame, but it’s important to understand how easily and readily this kind of content can hijack your brain. It is not your fault. It is however, your responsibility and there are ways you change your relationship to pornography.
Changing your relationship to pornography is possible and support is available in terms of therapy, support groups, apps and reddit threads.
About me
As a qualified UK counsellor and member of the BACP, porn addiction and our dopamine systems are a subject of particular interest to me. As a therapist, I believe it is vital to talk about these subjects without shame, and that we can work to explore the underlying causes of excessive porn use in a safe, confidential environment where you won’t be judged.
If you’re looking for a therapist and you feel I might be a good fit, please contact me.